


Afterwards

by snake_eater_ouroboros



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Nonbinary Mollymauk Tealeaf, Trans Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 11:45:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17848823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snake_eater_ouroboros/pseuds/snake_eater_ouroboros
Summary: Molly's death changes everything.





	Afterwards

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic, so please be gentle! It's also probably wildly out of character - it's how I wanted them to react, not how they actually reacted. I had a very specific itch I wanted to scratch, and that's what this is. 
> 
> Caleb is trans, and I use they/them/their for Molly.

Molly’s death changes everything.

“We tried our best, but it wasn’t good enough.”  
It is the only explanation Caleb can offer when they pull Jester, Fjord, and an unconscious Yasha out of their cages. It shatters them all over again, to know how close they were.

Afterwards, when they’ve cleared out the Sour Nest, after Keg and Nila have gone their separate ways and they’ve all left Shady Creek Run, the nein are trying to hold themselves together.

All of them struggle, but for weeks after Caleb is too wrapped in his grief to see anyone else’s.

He feels a guilt he cannot explain, not to himself, not to the others. _It should have been him_. It should have been Caleb who died, Caleb who was made an example of, Caleb who was buried on that cold winter day, by that lonely road. But it wasn’t, it was Molly. And now they are left to deal with the shattered pieces they left behind.

How can he explain what Molly was to him? A friend, surely. A good friend. One of Caleb’s first true friends since childhood. But they were also something more. Or, they could have been something more. Could have been, but was not yet. It’s this possibility that wrecks Caleb the most - what could have happened, if they’d had more time? He’ll never know, since Molly is dead. Dead for real this time, and not coming back, not as Molly, not as Lucien or Nonagon or any other name. Their body is buried a day's journey from Shady Creek Run, Caudecus's decay spell ensuring that the earth will remember them as much as their party members do.

* * *

Caleb feels Molly’s absence at all times, and at night when Caleb dreams, his mind conjures up the object of his strongest desire - Molly, whole again.

In his dreams, Molly is as they were in life - their hands cool, their red eyes flashing, their sly smile and laugh and sparkling jewelry creating constellations in their horns. Caleb aches for these things, aches in a way he didn’t know he was still capable of. Molly never speaks in the dreams, never does more than smirk and laugh and tease, sharp nails trailing down Caleb’s chest - scenes Caleb fantasized about endlessly when Molly was alive but that never came to fruition. As Molly leans in to kiss him, the scene dissolves before their lips meet, every time.

The first few nights, Caleb jolts awake, gasping for breath. It always felt so real, like Molly was really there in front of him again, sitting heavy in his lap, muscles taut under Caleb’s hands. They were always in some grimy inn room, in the dream, and the first few times Caleb wakes up not sure where he is, not sure when he is - before or after? Alone or not?

But sometimes, there are nightmares. Dreams where he watches Molly die, over and over, hears the sound of Lorenzo’s blade sinking into their chest over and over.

Or, Caleb is at Molly’s grave, digging with his bare hands, certain they’re alive down there, but finds only bones, covered in maggots. After a few weeks of these dreams, it’s become routine - a routine Caleb accepts and clings to, because he has no other way of seeing Molly.

After a while, he emerges from his shell enough to realize he isn’t alone in his grief. He watches the others ache, as well.

Beau takes it harder than Caleb imagined she would. She jumps straight into the anger stage of mourning, and stays there. She carries Molly’s deck of tarot cards everywhere.

Jester, on the other hand, doesn’t appear to be as affected - she is as cheerful and mischievous as she always was. But in the quiet moments, when she thinks no one is watching, Caleb sees her deflate. He watches her draw in her sketchbook, using a particular shade of lavender over and over. She talks to the traveller less and less, and her healing changes too, becomes more frantic when one of them is badly injured.

Nott seems determined to hold them together, to not lose another one of her found family. She worries about Caleb, but doesn’t know how to help him. She steals him books, offers sips from her flask, tries to soothe him when he has panic attacks. She doesn’t know if it makes any difference, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Fjord’s grief manifests in a recklessness none of them have seen before. He throws himself into fights, heedless of his own safety as he swings Molly’s sword. They’re lucky to have Caduceus with them; they need every bit of healing he can spare. It’s a pity healing spells don’t work on trauma.

And Yasha? Who’d known Molly longer than any of them, cared for them longer than any of the nein? She vanishes. She sees the grave, sees the coat, and screams her agony to the heavens. And then walks away.

That is perhaps the hardest to bear.

* * *

 When Fjord calls Caduceus by Molly's name, it shakes all of them. Fjord apologizes, they all move on after a frozen moment of surprise and pain.

But Caleb sees, now, how much Fjord misses Molly. Fjord and Molly also had possibility, had many what-ifs that will never be answered. Caleb cannot even bring himself to be jealous - in a perverse way, it helps to know that someone else is feeling the pain he is.

It’s not surprising, then, that eventually, Fjord and Caleb seek comfort in each other. The first time, it’s after a particularly vivid nightmare, on one of the rare nights when Fjord and Caleb are in the same room.

Caleb is at Molly’s grave, digging for what feels like hours, pulling dirt away and finding nothing nothing nothing - he looks up, and realizes that Molly hasn’t died yet. He watches as Molly falls, as Lorenzo’s blade comes down on their chest, and Caleb is screaming but making no sound. Lorenzo is gone and Caleb runs to Molly’s body, tries to shake them awake, pleads with them to come back. Eventually, he simply sobs on Molly’s ruined chest.

When Caleb gasps awake, there are tears already pricking his eyes, and Fjord is awake as well. “Caleb?” his voice floats across from his bed on the other side of the room “are you alright?”

Caleb is too choked with tears to answer, and Fjord comes to sit on the side of Caleb’s bed. “Caleb, it’s alright, I’m here, I’m here.”

He’s curled into a ball, facing away from Fjord, but as his hand comes to rest on his shoulder, Caleb is filled with the need to touch him, to be touched by him, to bury his heartache inside Fjord. He sits up, and wiping the tears and snot from his face, and pulls Fjord down into a rough kiss.

Fjord is already shirtless, and he’s surprised by the strength of Caleb’s hand on the back of his neck. He’s frozen for a minute, but quickly regains his senses and kisses Caleb back.

He slides his hands into Caleb’s bright hair, leveraging his head into a better position to be kissed more deeply. Caleb can feel Fjord’s tusks beginning to grow back, and he runs his tongue along them experimentally, making Fjord laugh lowly into his mouth. They pull apart then, just barely, and when their eyes meet there’s a deep current of sorrow running underneath the lust.

Ignoring this, Fjord pulls off Caleb’s shirt and pushes him down on the bed, not roughly but not gently either. He stands next to the bed, stripping off the simple pants he sleeps in, as Caleb does the same.

Fjord crawls back onto bed, covering Caleb’s body with his own, touching as much skin as possible as they kiss again. Caleb's hands are in his hair and clawing down his back, pulling him closer closer closer, getting Fjord’s skin under his fingernails. There’s a sense of urgency to their movements, like they don’t have much time left.

Caleb breaks their kiss to move his mouth down Fjords neck, when he finds the broad shoulder muscle he bites down, hard. Fjord moans and grinds his hips down into Caleb’s, searching for friction. At this, Caleb snakes his hand down between them, giving Fjord’s cock a couple quick strokes before moving to touch himself. As he circles his clit, he hitches his legs up behind Fjord so he’s lined up with his entrance, hot and wet.

Fjord looks at him, questioning if this is okay, if it’s too much, too soon, and Caleb answers by canting his hips up and pulling Fjord into him.

Fjord is overwhelmed with the sensation of being inside Caleb, who closes his eyes and moans as Fjord fills him. They move together, groaning into each other’s mouths and rocking slowly together.

Suddenly, Caleb realizes they’re both crying. As Fjord thrusts inside him, they’re pressed chest to chest, cheek to cheek, and their tears flow together. They grow quiet, make no sound other than hitched breaths, and Caleb cannot say how long they’re locked together like this, silently crying and fucking in the dark.

Eventually, Fjord reaches down to touch Caleb’s clit, and he writhes under Fjord’s practiced fingers. Fjord sucks marks into his pale neck, and as they both get close to cumming Fjord says his name over and over, in time with his thrusts. It’s this, in the end, that pushes Caleb over the edge - Fjord’s low voice repeating “Caleb, Caleb, oh gods, Caleb, _Caleb_.”

He doesn’t care that Fjord’s accent changes, the closer he gets to losing himself - he did not know all of Molly’s story, and he cannot bring himself to be curious about what Fjord is hiding just yet. There is a moment, just before Fjord spills inside him, when there is a question plain on his face - _“is it safe for me to do this?”_ \- Caleb understands, nods, knows the spells he’s used to create a better body for himself will protect both of them.

When Fjord cums, he lets all of his breath out at once, and collapses on top of Caleb. Their heartbeats are fast, and Fjord’s face is buried in Caleb’s neck. They don’t move, don’t want to break their contact, and eventually fall asleep.

As he slips back into unconsciousness, Caleb prays to dream of Molly again.


End file.
